D'oh!

Written: 1998
© Julie Ruffell 1998
Timeline: Season three of "Xena"
Disclaimer: Xena: Warrior Princess is the copyright property of Renaissance Pictures, Universal Studios and Studios USA. This fan fiction story was written for entertainment purposes only.
Description: Xena and Gabrielle meet the Simpsons.

"D'oh!"

Xena looked around as the familiar surroundings of Greece disappeared, to be replaced by a place that seemed strangely animated. "Where are we?" Xena asked Gabrielle. She looked over at her traveling companion and gasped in surprise.

"What?" Gabrielle questioned, looking at Xena. The shock that filled her escaped in an amazed gasp.

"You're yellow!" they exclaimed in union. They each looked at themselves, their eyes filled with shock. They were both a bright, golden shade and had the same animated look as their surroundings. Their hands no longer had five digits, instead there was only four. Their eyes were large, round and stuck too far out of their heads, along with their noses and mouths. Xena's armour was no longer as detailed as before. Her breastplates were round and almost the same colour as her skin.

"What is this?" Gabrielle questioned. "Could this be the work of one of the Gods? Ares? Or Zeus perhaps?"

"It must be," Xena answered. "Look over there." She pointed to one of the buildings.

"Moe's Tavern?"

"I've never heard of it, but at least it's a tavern. Let's check it out."

* * *

"Give me a beer, Moe."

"Wait a second," Moe, the bartender paused. "How old are you?"

"How old am I? What kind of question is that, sir? If I was under our country's drinking age, would I be here?"

"All right, all right. I'm sorry." Moe filled up a mug of beer. "Here you go."

"Bart!" Homer Simpson bellowed at his ten-year-old son. "What are you doing?"

"You said we came here for a drink," Bart responded.

"I said I was having a drink." Homer picked up the beer and took a long drink, ending with a loud belch.

"Well can't I have something?"

Homer thought a moment, before deciding it was fine.

"Give me your finest wine, Moe."

"Why you little-!" Homer wrapped his large, four fingered hands around Bart's throat and tightened them. Bart began to gag and choke.

"Didn't your mother ever teach you to keep your hands to yourself?" Homer turned just in time to meet Xena's fist with his face. He groaned and then fell over. Xena looked over at Bart. "You all right? What's your name?"

"I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?"

"My name is Xena, and this is Gabrielle."

"Wow!" said Barney, everyone's favourite bar slob. He stood up and walked over to Xena. "Will you go out with me?"

Xena replied by sending a hard driven kick to Barney's large gut. He sailed across the bar and slammed against the love tester. A loud crack was heard, followed by an ever louder burp. "Hey! You put my back in!"

"I have many skills," she sneered. She turned back to Bart. "Why was this man trying to kill you?"

"He wasn't trying to kill me, he's my dad."

"Some father," scoffed Gabrielle.

"Give me something strong," Xena ordered Moe.

Moe quickly filled up a mug and handed it to Xena. She tossed two dinars on the counter. "What kind of money is this?!" Moe yelled. Xena gave him a forceful Look. "Look at that! It's just the kind of money I take and it's the perfect amount. Would you look at that!"

"This is the worst tavern I have ever been in," the Warrior Princess mumbled under her breath. She grabbed the drink and tossed it in Homer's face.

He coughed and stumbled to his feet. "Okay, who did that!?"

"I did."

Homer turned and finally got a good look at the Warrior Princess. "Whoa. Well, then I must be, um, going now. Come on boy." He grabbed Bart by the arm and started pulling him towards the door.

"Hold it! What do you think you're doing? Treating your son like that. I ought to brain you."

"Oh that," Homer laughed. "It's okay. Aren't you, boy?"

"Well…" Bart started, but a look from Homer made him nod quickly.

Xena gave Homer a doubtful glare.

"See, the boy is fine. Look, why don't you two come over to my place for dinner. My father will be there and we're having pork chops."

Xena and Gabrielle exchanged glances. "What do you think, Xena?"

"Well, we could keep an eye on him this way."

* * *

"Marge, I'm home. Marge!"

"I'm coming Homer." Marge Simpson stepped into the hall and jumped back in surprise, along with Gabrielle.

"What's that thing on your head?" Gabrielle questioned while Marge asked Xena, "Is it Halloween already?"

"Marge, this is Xena and Gabrielle. Xena, Gabby, this is my lovely wife Marge. Xena and Gabrielle are staying for dinner."

"I wish you had told me sooner, Homer but if you have one pork chop instead of three, then there will be enough."

Homer slapped his hands against his bald head and screamed like a girl, before running out of the room.

"This should be an interesting evening," muttered Xena.

* * *

Everyone sat down at the Simpson's table. Homer and Marge sat at the heads, while Lisa, Bart and Maggie sat on the left with Xena, Gabrielle and Grandpa Simpson on the right.

"So Xena, what do you and Gabrielle do for a living?" Marge asked.

Xena put down her fork. "We fight against injustice and oppression while protecting the weak from blood thirsty warlords, monsters and Gods."

"And then we entrain them with one of my stories," Gabrielle spoke up.

"I fight against evil too," Marge said.

Xena raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yes. I fight the horde of soap scum." Marge laughed, but the rest of the table was silent.

"Well, I work at the nuclear power plant," Homer boasted.

Gabrielle was confused. "Nuclear power?"

"Wait a minute!" Lisa called, jumping to her feet. "Xena, the Warrior Princess! I learned about you in class! You're my hero!"

"But Lisa, I thought I was your hero."

"Oh please mom. But don't you all see? Xena and Gabrielle are heroes from the past. They don't belong here!"

"What are you saying exactly?" questioned Homer.

"I don't see what all the fuss is about," Grandpa spoke up. "Why in my day, we'd travel to the future every morning and be back in time for breakfast and we did it in suitable clothes unlike these young people."

"Grandpa, Xena's at least three thousand years older than you."

"Are you saying there's something wrong with my clothes?" questioned Xena with a snarl.

Suddenly a lightning bolt brought the greatest of the Gods, Zeus, into the Simpson's dinning room. "Sorry to interrupt dinner folks, but my son, Ares, wasn't behaving again. Xena, Gabrielle, it's time to go."

"One moment please, Zeus," said Lisa. "Before you take them away, do you think it would be all right if Xena worked her magic here?"

* * *

"What is this place?" Xena wondered out loud.

"It's called a school," Lisa answered with glee.

Homer honked the car horn. "Let's get moving! I have to be at work in ten minutes!"

Xena looked down when she heard Bart sigh. She knelt down beside him. "What is it Bart?"

"I have to go to school."

"But Lisa made it seem like a happy place," spoke-up Gabrielle.

"It's not. It's torture."

Xena rose with an angry look. "A torture camp for children? What kind of sick mind made that up? Who's in charge?"

* * *

Principal Seymour Skinner raised his eyebrows when the door to his office was kicked open and two women walked in. "We have a strict dress policy in this school."

Xena strode across the room and slammed her hands on his desk. "What kind of sick individual finds joy in tormenting children?"

Skinner remained sitting. "You'll find I don't respond to threats."

Xena leaned forward. "Who's making threats?"

Skinner finally stood. "Let me guess, Bart Simpson put you up to this. What did he do to make you do this? I mean you think I'm stupid? I know my history. Xena and Gabrielle. Like two people from the past could be here."

Xena grabbed Skinner's collar and pulled him close. "Call it fate. The Gods brought us here to straighten out a few things. This is my first stop." Gabrielle sat down loudly in a chair. Xena looked over at her. "What are you doing?"

"You obviously don't need me. You're threatening enough for both of us. Look, just do your thing. I'll just sit here nice and quiet and work on my scrolls."

Xena dropped Skinner. "Gabrielle," she said in a harsh tone. She walked over to her friend and grabbed her by the ear, pulling her outside. "Come here."

Skinner straightened out his tie and went back to work. "Xena and Gabrielle. Now really."

* * *

Charles Montgomery Burns glared across his desk at one of his many employees. His finger tapped the desk and then moved towards the red button. "Get out."

Burns pressed the button to open a trap door under the worker's feet. The worker fell into the darkness. Mr. Burns placed his fingers in an arch. "Excellent." Then he turned to his helper Smithers. "Who's next?"

Suddenly, the giant doors to his office slammed open and in the doorway stood Xena and Gabrielle.

Burns was shocked and surprised. "What the devil!? Who are these women?" he asked Smithers.

"I don't know, sir. They don't look like your nine o'clock. I don't think they have an appointment."

Mr. Burns got out of his seat and walked over to Xena and Gabrielle. "How dare you come in here without an appointment. Get out."

"I'm not going anywhere until I clear up some things, Mr. Curns," replied Xena.

"There's that 'I' again," Gabrielle mumbled to herself.

"That's Burns!"

"Whatever," said Xena, dismissing him. "I'm here to make sure you end your evil, tyrant ways. We can do this the easy way or the hard way." Xena cracked her knuckles. "And what I've heard about you, I hope you choose the hard way."

Burns laughed. "Are you telling me that you're hired muscle? You're only a woman! I have my own hired goons!"

He snapped his fingers and his two large, hired goons entered the room and made their way towards Xena.

Xena smiled. "Hard way it is." She flipped, while her loud war cry filled the room. She landed in front of the goons and with one mighty roundhouse, hit them both in their faces, knocking them cold.

Gabrielle sighed. "Why am I here? I'll never know. Is there a chair around here someplace?"

Burns looked at Xena. "Looks like I'll have to take care of you myself." He lunged at Xena, raking his feeble hands down her armour. Xena didn't even feel his pathetic attack. Finally, Burns collapsed from exhaustion.

Xena grabbed him with one hand by his collar. Smithers ran at her, but she just stuck out her other hand and used it to hold Smithers back, by placing it on his forehead. He swung wild punches at her, but was too far to make contact.

"Yea Xena," Gabrielle said with no emotion, slowly clapping her hands together.

Holding Burns in the air, his feet dangling, and held his face close to hers. "You're not the first tyrant I've met. Fortunately, for them, they all changed their ways with a warning from me before killing them became necessary. I hope you're the same Mr. Curns."

She dropped him to the ground and started to leave. On the way out, she grabbed Gabrielle by her shirt and pulled her along, whispering, "What was that? That's the second time today. People aren't scared when you do that. Why do you want me to look bad?" She then slammed the doors shut behind her.

"Who was that woman, Smithers?"

"Xena, the Warrior Princess, sir. I learned about her in history."

"History, eh?! Well good. For a moment there I thought that I was going to have to change my ways. Now, continue shutting down the power to the orphanage. Not pay me will they?"

* * *

Xena and Gabrielle flashed back into reality and saw the familiar sight of ancient Greece. They looked at themselves and each other to find they were back to normal.

"It's good to be home," Xena stated.

Gabrielle nodded her head in agreement. "You said it. Back where things are normal."

They walked into a small village in front of them. A centaur galloped by, his small son beside him. An Amazon, wearing her mask down walked along. A lone harpy flew overhead, while, far off in the distance, a dragon could be heard roaring. A friendly giant, along with a Cyclops stood watch over the village while...

FIN