Meana: Warrior Gangster: A Night in the Life

Written: 1998
© Julie Ruffell 1998
Timeline: Season three
Description: A present day parody of Xena: Warrior Princess. Meana and Blabrielle battle Crazellisto.

"Meana: Warrior Gangster: A Night in the Life"

New York City street - Night.

MEANA and BLABRIELLE step onto the scene. Meana is dressed in leather pants, leather top and leather jacket, while Blabrielle is wearing a tank top and skirt. Meana has a gun hanging off her held and Blabrielle is holding a baseball bat. Blabrielle is being used as a pack horse and carries two sleeping bags and a small bag of supplies.

BLABRIELLE: "Meana, the Warrior Gangster sauntered into the room. It was small, damp and gloomy, the same as any villainous hideout. Rats scurried along the cement floor, while pigeons nested in the rafters.
"The drug dealers all turned their heads, as their leader rose from his seat to face her. Once standing, all could see that the leader was a head taller than the Warrior Gangster, and he focused a mean, evil glare at her.
"'Can I help you?' he asked in a threatening tone.
Meana wasn't at all intimidated. She returned his glare, her ice cold eyes burning into his very soul, as a growl formed on her ruby lips. 'Looks like you boys are getting a little too high. I'll have to take you down.'"

MEANA: (interrupting) I didn't say that. And the drug dealer was a head shorter than me, and it was a glamorous penthouse.

BLABRIELLE: Meana, it's a story. It has to be suspenseful and dangerous, yet humourous and full of snappy lines.

MEANA: Why can't it just be the truth?

BLABRIELLE: Because if all I did was write the truth, each story would only be one line. Heck, I could fit your whole life on one line: "Meana kicked everyone's ass. The End."

MEANA: It would be the truth.

BLABRIELLE: Meana, no story is completely truthful. It would be boring.

Meana rolls her eyes. Blabrielle hands Meana a sleeping bag and they start to lay them on the ground. Blabrielle pulls some fast food out of the bag and they sit, quietly eating for a moment. Blabrielle looks over at Meana.

BLABRIELLE: Meana, why don't we get an apartment? Or even a house?

Meana isn't really involved in the following conversation. She talks mostly with her mouth full.

MEANA: Because we don't work for money, remember?

BLABRIELLE: Oh yeah. (beat) Well, what about all the money I make telling the stories of our adventures on street corners?

MEANA: That's not enough to get a place.

BLABRIELLE: That and the fact that you spend most of it in that bar the secondd Tuesday of every month.

Meana points at Blabrielle, burger in hand, now defensive.

MEANA: Hey, fighting to keep the streets safe makes me thirsty. Besides, it's not like I get drunk.

BLABRIELLE: Gods, I can't image you drunk.

MEANA: It's not a pretty sight. A drunk with lethal killing skills and a really big gun.

Meana puts down her food and is now fully engaged in the conversation.

MEANA: And I don't spend all the money. You bought that laptop.

BLABRIELLE: How else am I supposed to record my stories? With a quill and scroll?

Means starts eating again.

MEANA: Wouldn't hurt our finances any.

BLABRIELLE: (acts hurt) You would rob me of my stories, the only thing that gives my life any meaning?

Meana rolls her eyes as Blabrielle grows increasingly more dramatic.

BLABRIELLE: What is a writer who can't write? Would you rob a bird of its voice, or a peacock of its beauty? Why do I write? I write to express my soul, that which I am within. However, if you want me to shut the floodgate of my emotions, I will seal them forever and remain a silent, hidden partner of buried dreams.

MEANA: I didn't tell you to stop writing. You work is beautiful Blabrielle, and I don't want you to give it up. I was just suggesting that you don't need to use a computer.

BLABRIELLE: Fine, sure, okay, no problem. I'll give up my laptop, but only if you stop going to that bar of yours.

MEANA: Give up Meana nights at Meow Mix? Forget it! No deal!

Meana finishes the last of her meal, then crawls into her sleeping bag.

MEANA: Now let's get some sleep.

BLABRIELLE: But I'm not tired.

MEANA: Well I am, so whatever you do, do it quietly.

Meana turns away from Blabrielle and falls asleep. Blabrielle pulls out her laptop.

BLABRIELLE: Hmmm. Now how should I start?

She thinks for a moment.

BLABRIELLE: I got it! (she types as she speaks) "In a time of angry gangsters...crazed crime...and a crappy justice system, a city in turmoil, cried out for a hero. She was Meana, a mighty gangster, forged in the heat of gunfire. The power...the passion...the AK-47s...her courage will change the streets."

CRAZELLISTO enters the scenes with her machine gun drawn. She wears leather pants and a leather tank top, with a choke collar.

CRAZELLISTO: That's what you think. Stand up blondie.

Blabrielle slows rises to her feet with her hands above her head.

BLABRIELLE: Meana. Meana, a little help here. Meana!

Meana doesn't stir.

CRAZELLISTO: Forget Meana dear. She'll be at peace soon. Forever. Step away.

Blabrielle does as she's told and Crazellisto moves towards the sleeping Meana.

CRAZELLISTO: And I thought this was going to be a challenge. (to Blabrielle) I guess those little stories of yours were exaggerated.

Blabrielle gulps as Crazellisto aims her gun at Meana's head.

CRAZELLISTO: Good-bye Meana.

Suddenly, Meana rolls out of her sleeping bag, a mighty yell blaring from her lips. With a swift kick, she knocks the gun from Crazellisto's hands and then jumps to her feet.

MEANA: "Good-bye"? You didn't even say "Hello."

Meana punches Crazellisto and she falls to the ground.

MEANA: Crazellisto, haven't you given up yet?

Crazellisto gets to her feet.

CRAZELLISTO: I won't give up until you're lying in a pool of your own blood, your body riddled with holes from my gun. Not until you're trapped forever in Hell with the same old torture every day, every day. You'll fall asleep to the wailing screams of your victims and waken to the same, until it rots your evil soul.

MEANA: Well don't you paint a vivid picture?

CRAZELLISTO: You killed my family, you bitch, and I will avenge them. Their voices won't be silenced in my head until they have your corpse before them.

MEANA: I know I can't take what I did back, but I never ordered my men to kill everyone. I wanted cash and anyone who stood in my way had to be stopped. I didn't order a drive-by-shooting. That wasn't supposed to happen.

CRAZELLISTO: That doesn't matter, Meana. I will have blood for blood. Your blood.

MEANA: Well you're not gonna get it.

CRAZELLISTO: If I can't have yours, then I'll have blood from your loved ones!

Crazellisto leaps at Blabrielle and grabs her, handgun at her temple.

BLABRIELLE: Son of a bitch!

Meana takes a step towards them.

CRAZELLISTO: Move another step, Meana, and blondie here gets it.

Meana stops, her hand just over her machine gun.

MEANA: Let her go, Crazellisto, your fight's with me.

CRAZELLISTO: I want to make you suffer like I have Meana. I long to see you wailing over the body of your friend. Then everyday you will have to live with the fact that it was you who killed her.

MEANA: If you kill her, you'll be dead before she hits the ground.

CRAZELLISTO: You can't threaten me with death, Meana. You killed me long ago.

MEANA: Fine. If you won't want to let her go, then kill her.

CRAZELLISTO and BLABRIELLE: What?

MEANA: You heard me. She's nothing but a useless piss-ant really. God knows things would be easier with her out of the way. In fact, step out of the way Crazellisto, I'll kill her myself.

BLABRIELLE: Meana, have you gone completely insane!?

Meana draws her gun and aims it at Blabrielle.

MEANA: Actually, things have never been so clear. I should have done away with you when you wanted to tag along two years ago. I mean, you've done nothing but get in the way. You never do what you're told and you're always getting caught.

BLABRIELLE: I can change?

MEANA: Not interested.

CRAZELLISTO: Hold it! This is your little buddy.

MEANA: Not anymore.

CRAZELLISTO: This is a trick. You're trying to confuse me.

Meana walks up to Crazellisto.

MEANA: Where's the confusion? I want this irritating little blonde dead, so step aside or you'll taste my gun fire too.

Crazellisto releases Blabrielle and takes one step away.

MEANA: See, now that was easy.

Meana whirls around, and whacks Crazellisto with her gun. Crazellisto slams into the concrete. She moves to get back up, only to find Meana's gun in her face.

MEANA: Now, Blabrielle and I were about to get some sleep before you interrupted us. Are you going to let us have a peaceful evening, or should I just shoot you now?

CRAZELLISTO: You haven't heard the last of me. I won't rest until you're dead Warrior Princess.

MEANA: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Do you want to get sued? You've got me confused with someone else. I'm Meana, Warrior Gangster.

CRAZELLISTO: That sounds the same to me.

MEANA: Yeah, well, that's the point, but copy-right laws are so strict these days.

CRAZELLISTO: I know what you mean. I'm named for someone myself.

MEANA: Really? Who?

Blabrielle clears her throat.

MEANA: I mean, what's it going be, Crazellisto?

CRAZELLISTO: Mmm? Oh yeah. You haven't heard the last of me Meana.

MEANA: No, we're past that.

CRAZELLISTO: Oh right. Um, I won't rest until you're dead Warrior Gangster. You have to pay for your evil deeds.

MEANA: I'm not that person I once was. I don't kill for money. I don't kill for kicks. I'm not a gangster anymore.

BLABRIELLE: Yeah, now she's a vigilante!

MEANA: Stay out of this Blabrielle. (to Crazellisto) So you've made your decision?

CRAZELLISTO: That's right. You'll never sleep peacefully again as long as I'm free. Whenever you feel a cold breeze, that's my breath. The sound of gun fire echoing in the streets, that's me filling your boots. The smell of blood, that's the smell of the dead I carry with me. The dead you killed, and the dead I killed, because after all...you made me, so their deaths are on your head too. Whenever-

MEANA: (interrupts) Blah, blah, blah.

Meana shoots Crazellisto dead. Blabrielle runs up to Meana.

BLABRILLE: Meana! How could you do that?! How could you kill her in cold blood.

MEANA: Look Blabrielle, she was getting on my nerves. If I didn't kill her now, she'd fall into that "I'll be back," bad guy rut.

BLABRIELLE: Ah fuck. I didn't think about that. Good decision.

MEANA: Exactly. Beside I am a vigilante after all. Now, let's get some sleep.

The two crawl back into their sleeping bags. Blabrielle tosses a few times, and then sits up.

BLABRIELLE: Meana, you didn't mean all those things you said earlier, did you?

MEANA: Of course not. You're not a useless piss-ant.

BLABRIELLE: Oh okay.

She starts to lie back down, then sits up straight again.

BLABRIELLE: Hey wait a minute! That means that you meant that I'm an irritating little blonde who-

MEANA: (interrupting) I was kidding, Blabrielle. You're the most important person in the world to me. Without you, I'd still be a gangster.

BLABRIELLE: Strengthules was responsible for that, not me.

Meana sits up.

MEANA: No, now Strengthules is a useless piss-ant. I'm always going on his show because his ratings aren't as good as mine. And have you seen that guy in action? Nothing going on there. Not to mention he always gets hit or cut. I swear, he must bleed once a week. He's supposed to be the hero, and yet his sidekick Olaus is always pulling his butt out of the fire. And between you and me, that whole relationship seems a little 'iffy.' How many grown men do you know who spend that much time together? They're always touching each other, oh and then there was that time they had a mud bath in a spa together. Men don't go to spas.

BLABRIELLE: So you don't think I'm useless and irritating?

MEANA: Look, a hero has to have a sidekick. If you weren't mine, I would have been stuck with Boxer.

BLABRIELLE: But he never shuts up! All he does is brag about things he never did and sing that annoying "Boxer the Mighty" song.

MEANA: The point is, Blabrielle, you're like family to me. I couldn't load my gun without you. Now, get some sleep.

They both lie back down in their sleeping bags. Blabrielle stares at the sky for a bit.

BLABRIELLE: I love you, Meana.

MEANA: Blabrielle! Those rumours will never stop now!

Lights down.

FIN