We're Already Dead

Written: 1999
© Julie Ruffell 1999
Description: A captured solider is tortured for information, but she refuses to yield, while trying to find some glimpse of humanity in her torturer.

"We're Already Dead"

The sound of my heavy boots hitting the tile floor echoes through the hallway, but I can hardly hear it over the sound of the screaming. From all around me, I can hear the screams of pain from men and women. Years ago it used to bother me, but now I hardly notice.

I step before a door and put my hand on the pad which reads my prints and opens the door. The room is cold and black, and I can hear faint mumbling. I turn on the bright, overhead lights but the female Captain on the floor does not awake. It's been two weeks so she's learned to sleep through it, get what little she can.

It's a small room, with only a wooden desk, a leather chair and a metal one. The leather one is mine and is behind the desk. The metal one is for her, since it is uncomfortable.

Leaning down next to her I shout, "Good morning!" She awakens with a gasp as I walk over to my desk and sit. "I trust you slept well. My superiors are becoming less and less patient. They want answers and they want them today, or you will die.

"You have managed to withstand torture for just a little over two weeks, without so much as a word."

She remains silent on the floor. Even after all this time she continues to resist and it angers me. I stand and walk over to her. Bending down, I pull her into a sitting position and force her to look into my eyes. "I don't even know your name."

Standing once more, I gesture to the metal chair. "Please, have a seat." She doesn't move. I always try to remain calm, but I'm sick of these games. She will follow my commands. "I said have a seat! Don't make me have to hurt you." Because I will.

She slowly gets to her feet on shaky legs and moves over to the desk, sitting in the metal chair. "There, much better," I tell her. "See how easy it makes things when you just do what you're asked?" I sit down in the leather chair. "Let's start with something simple, shall we? Tell me your name."

It's a simple question to answer, 'What's your name?' but I have never gotten a reply. I can't even get that out of her, let alone the information my superiors wants. Today, I will break her.

"What does it matter what you call me?"

She spoke. She has a beautiful voice. Though it shakes and trembles with fatigue and pain, I can hear the strength still there. But she is weakening, or she would not have said a word. I push harder. "Don't make me ask you again."

"My name…my name…is not something I will give to you. You haven't gotten anything from me in two weeks. I'm not about to start now."

So close. I can see the pain and fear in her blue eyes. Sighing, I reply, "Why must you make things so difficult on yourself? You know what happens now."

From out of my pocket I pull out the small controller which gives me access to the implant in her brain. It sends electrical shocks through her nervous system for whatever length or strength I want it to be. "It hurts me that after all this time, you still refuse to help, and it makes me sad that you continue to make me hurt you."

It's all about gaining their trust. Making them think that you really want to let them go, even though you will kill them without a second thought once they give up the information. I set the dial on the controller for a medium shock and I press the button. Instantly, she cries out in pain, clutching her head and leaning over the desk. I let the shock carry on for two minutes and then end it.

Leaning forward I say, "Why do you keep making things so hard on yourself? Just tell me what I want to know and you can go home."

She is silent for a moment, overcoming the pain, but she speaks. "No, I can't. You'll destroy everything I'm fighting for. Everything I love."

"It won't matter if you're dead," I sneer.

"It does matter, because I will die knowing I gave you nothing."

I slam my hands down on the desk, furious that she speaks now only to mock me. "Stop playing these games! Either you tell me what I want to know, or you will die!"

"I'm not afraid of death."

Though she is skinnier then when she was brought here, weak from the lack of food, and the torture, she holds herself straight and defiant. She is shorter then I am, and weaker, and yet, I can't seem to break her. Why? Hundreds have come before her, and all of them cracked. Maybe force is the wrong way to go. Yes, she seems caring. Maybe I should focus my efforts there.

"Maybe you're not afraid of death and obviously pain isn't going to make you talk. So the question is, 'What else do I try?'"

"It doesn't matter."

Standing, I move over to her. "It's been a long two weeks, hasn't it? Just you, me and these walls. But I'm able to leave this room. I know all about the war going on out there. I know the death tolls and I know who has the upper hand."

"Obviously we do, or I wouldn't be here."

Arrogant! I press the button on the controller and watch her cry out in pain for several minutes and then release her. "Don't get smart with me. You're at my mercy."

She looks up at me with her haunted face and smiles. "Only until the end of the day."

"You're wrong about the war," I tell her. I'm bluffing, but she won't know. "You country is falling, but it continues to resist. It's only a matter of time until we overtake you completely. However, why throw away lives when the information you hold can end this now? The sooner this ends, the sooner the killing stops."

"And the sooner freedom dies! I will not yield to you!"

I backhand her, and she is knocked out of the chair which falls beside her. "My patience is wearing thin," I growl.

"Don't worry, our time is almost at an end."

Time is running out. If I don't get the information, my career is over and we could lose this war. I have to break her! "We conducted a raid on one of you cities recently. It was a very bloody attack." I once more take my seat, folding my hands in front of me. I look down at her on the floor. "You wouldn't believe the gore."

"I've seen it all. Tell me, have you ever been in the battlefield?"

"Of course I have. You don't start at the top."

"Then you know the horrors. You've seen the blood and the dead. You've seen the headless corpses, the burnt remains of children and babies lying in pools of their own blood. You've heard the constant sound of gunfire and you've sat amoung your dead comrades in the mud."

Yes, I have seen all of that, but I have to stay focused! "We're not here to discuss me. Tell me what I want to know!"

"All that suffering and you'll stand there and cause more?"

I will not be weak! I will break her! "Without hesitation."

I turn up the dial and I press the button. The shock knocks her back and she lies on the floor, screaming. I move over to her and bend down, grabbing her by the throat. "I am in control here! You will answer my questions or you will live your final days in agonizing pain. I'll have them allow you to live another month just so I can personally make your death an ugly one! Your life is mine! To you I am God and you will act accordingly!"

Finally, I release her, and she remains on the floor, curled into a fetal position, shaking. "Do I make myself clear?"

"I will not give you the…the satisfaction of seeing me break. I am a stone."

"Even stones can be broken."

"I won't be."

Furious, I grab her by her hair and pull her to her feet. With my other hand I pick up the chair and then I throw her into it with such force her teeth rattle. I want to hit her, but before I do anything, the General enters. I quickly stand at attention.

She moves over to me, tall with her long, black hair tied into a tight bun under her hat. "Do you have the information yet?" she questions.

"Not yet, General, but I will. I just need a little more time."

"Time we do not have. I want that information."

"And you shall have it."

She moves closer to me, looking down from her higher stance. "I had better, or you'll find yourself scrubbing toilets for the next ten years."

"Yes, General."

She glares at me, then the Captain and leaves, her boots echoing through the hall. Snarling, I face the woman. "Our time grows short."

She coughs, a small trail of blood runs down her lip. "I'm so glad."

Sitting once more, I place the controller on the desk and lean back. Time is running out. What can I do? Her eyes are not on me, but instead on the controller. Her eyes are filled with hatred, something I have not seen there before. Smiling I ask, "You hate it, don't you? All the pain it has brought you. Go ahead. Smash it."

She turns her head up and looks at me, a question in her eyes. She looks again to the controller and once more at me. Then she suddenly stands and seizes the controller in her weak hands. Screaming, she slams it again and again into the desk, pieces of it breaking off and skittering across the floor. She lets out a final scream and throws it against the wall before falling back into her seat, sobbing.

Yes, I'm getting closer. "Was that satisfying? Of course it doesn't matter. There's plenty more where that came from." I remove a second controller from another pocket and turn it on. I watch her scream for three minutes and then release her.

"I have nothing against you. In fact, I admire you. You have been able to withstand this, but I have a duty to my country, just as you do to yours. But no one will blame you for giving in."

"I would blame myself. I want my loved ones to remain free. I want to have children and see them grow in a world without war."

So naïve, or delusional. "There will always be wars. Mankind was not made to agree. You know, in ancient Greek myth, they believed Prometheus created man after all other creatures. Being last, he had no more gifts to give man to protect himself. The cheetah had swiftness, the lion had claws, the eagle could fly and the cobra had venom. So he gave us intelligence, the ability to outthink those who would do us harm. In reality, he gave us an incurable disease. Thoughts allow ideas to form and from ideas, grow conflict. Your government had one idea, and mine another, and so, here we are. Killing each other. Not for survival, but because of a thought."

"So why do you add to it?"

"Why do you? It's our duty to fight for our country, and do as we are ordered."

"I fight in the hopes that bloodshed can end and children not have to learn of it. Is that the legacy we want to leave them? Death?" Silence fills the room, but I can see she wants to say more. "Do you have children?"

There's no need to hide this information from her. She's going somewhere. Maybe this rant is a sign she is falling apart. "I have a little girl."

"And is she safe from this bloodshed? Don't you fear for her life?"

"Of course I do! She's all I have left! This war took my wife and son!" Have I said too much? That just came out. It's an open wound.

"In war, both sides lose."

"There's nothing you or I can do about it, except help our side win. I intend to be the winner."

"You can't win. Death already has." She stands and leans over the desk. I remain sitting. "Don't you see? There is a way to make people understand."

She's lying. There could be no way to end this bloody battle. Could there? "How?"

"Allow your people to see me. Allow me to talk to your government. Let them see that their enemy has a face. Let them know my name. It's a lot harder to kill someone when you look them in the eye and see that there is no difference between them and you. The world was not created with lines drawn upon it. We are all made from the same mold. If not for these uniforms, we could be friends, or even fall in love."

"Enough of this! Time is running out. I need the information."

She turns away, angry and yet upset. "Can you be so dense that you can't see what is happening? This madness has to stop! Allow yourself to be freed from your shackles! Let go of your blind hatred!"

I stand and face her. "What would that accomplish?"

"Peace!"

"Peace is an illusion. War decides who wins and who dies. Who leads and who follows. Peace is an impossibility!"

"War is easy, for cowards. Peace is the route of the brave and the strong. If we continue to be weak, then only Death will win."

Silence fills the room again. Could she be right? Is it possible to end this? No solider wants to be out there fighting, but can our leaders talk? No, she's right, because it's so much easier for them to send faceless citizens out to kill a faceless enemy. "This war has cost too much. The lives of all those killed. For what? The life of my wife. The life of my son! I wish it were possible to remove the images from my brain.

"The city had been bombed. Nothing was left but debris. I found my crumbled home, and I dug at it until my hands were bleeding. They were all together, huddled in fear. Shards of glass had imbedded themselves into my wife's beautiful face, making it unrecognizable. A rock had crushed my son's skull, his blood was everywhere. I found my little girl, my angel, my light, hidden underneath her mother. She lived, but she'll never walk again. She'll never leave behind the shadows, the screams or the fear."

Tears sting my eyes, and they fall. I can't hold them back. A hand touches my shoulder and I pull back in alarm to see the Captain standing there. Her pale face is full of concern and I can see tears in her blue eyes. "What are you doing?"

"You're a fellow human being who is suffering. I'm trying to offer you comfort."

"'Comfort'?! How can you show my compassion when all I've given you is pain? I don't understand you."

"Because you don't know me! That's why people need to see their so-called 'enemy.' To understand. Then this could end. We could go home and be with our loved ones. We could sit down in front of a warm fire with a good book, rather then knee-deep in mud, waiting for death to fall from the sky!"

Is it really just that simple? Can we end this? I have to try! How could I do this? How could I hurt her? I face her and ask, "How could I cause you pain?"

I don't know what answer I want from her. She is silent, staring into my eyes. Can she see the remorse? "I forgive you."

Holding up my hand, I move to brush a lock of hair off of her face when I see the General enter. I quickly stand away and at attention. The Captain backs away from both of us.

"Her time is up, and so is yours in this army if you don't have the information I want," the General sneers.

Turning my head, I look at the Captain. I can see the fear in her eyes now. She knows she will die unless she really did change me. She did. Now I just have to convince the General. I stand straighter, my hands behind my back. "She has refused to yield."

"Incompetence!" the General bellows. "Give me the controller!"

"I'm not finished, General."

"Yes, you are."

She holds out her hand for the controller, which I grip tightly in my hands. I only have this one chance to convince her, or the Captain will be killed. "She didn't release the information we were after, but she gave me something better."

The General looks at me with a raised eyebrow, but drops her hand. "Let's hear it."

"She told me how we can work towards the end of this war through peace."

A laugh actually escapes from the General's chiseled features. "Peace! Did she brainwash you? There's only one way to get peace, and it's by eliminating them all."

I slam my hands down on the desk. "We can't win like this."

I dropped the controller, and the General grabs it before I can. She holds it in front of me. "You've become soft."

"You can't kill her."

"Why not?

"Look at her! She's not some dark shadow in the night! She's right there in front of you! Look her in the eye! She has a face!"

"The face of the enemy."

"No! How can you look her in the eye and kill her? She's a human being!"

"No, she is our enemy. When you stepped through that doorway into this world, you left your conscience out there. There is no place for it in a war."

"There's room for compassion anywhere."

"Compassion makes you weak. It prevents you from doing what needs to be done."

No, I can't let this happen! I have to get through to her! "You're wrong. It makes you stronger."

"I've been here longer then you have, and I've seen things you can't even imagine."

I open my mouth to say something more, when the Captain speaks. "Then you should want to let it go."

The General turns her cold eyes to the Captain. "You had your chance." She turns the dial to full power and turns it on. The Captain is knocked right off her feet, and falls to the ground, screaming in pain. The screams rip through my head, like nothing I've ever heard. Looking at me the General says, "You can't be weak. You must be strong to survive."

"Brute force isn't strength!"

"What do you know?"

"I know you don't need to kill her!"

I try to move to her side, but the General grabs me and holds me back. "Yes I do. I have to kill her to show you what you must become."

The screams continue. She doesn't have long. "I don't want to be like you! Not anymore!"

"Because you're weak. People like you are what brings failure down upon us."

"Please stop this! Don't kill her!"

The Captain's limbs flail about and her screams fill the room; fill my head! The General looks at me with her ice stare. "It's what has to be done."

Holding onto me, I can't even go the Captain's side. She just lies there, screaming until, finally, it stops. The room is silent. The General lets me go and drops the controller on the desk. "That's what it takes to be a part of this world. I suggest you kill whatever conscience or compassion you found during your time with her. Despite this failure, you're still the best we have. Take a few days to yourself, and then report for evaluation."

She leaves, not looking back even once. She doesn't care about what she has done. I look at the now limp body, lying there, and growing cold. Her eyes are open, staring at me. I bend down and close them. I rest her arms over her chest and then take off my jacket. It is covered with all the metals I have earned over the years, which now mean nothing. I lay the jacket over her still form.

"I didn't even know your name." I leave the room, but leave the lights on, which cover her body with a warm glow.

FIN